KENNY'S ISOLATED GARSTANG C RIDE SATURDAY 29th FEBRUARY

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(What were you on when you wrote this, Kenny? Ed.)

The C ride consisting of 1 rider set off from the cobbles, well 15 miles from the cobbles actually, in the interests of social distancing which was well within limits set by the government & in no danger of spreading nasty bugs amongst fellow members.  The ride began from my porch & initially was a celebration of spring weather regarding apparel, until the wind hit me from off the coast & caused an immediate return to said porch to don mid-winter kit consisting of thermal jacket & ski gloves.  A better option would have been a turbo session indoors but as there is now more chance of purchasing a toilet roll than a smart trainer this option wasn’t one.  So off the C ride set in the direction of Kirkby Lonsdale with very little banter, repartee or irony (Yvonne, where were you?) & at a much reduced pace than normal due to the fact that ending up in hospital at this point in the proceedings would go down like a pint of Watney’s molten lead with NHS staff & as is always the case even on a leisurely C ride there is potentially danger to life around every bend & coroner!   So along went the isolated ride into the countryside with admittedly sparse vehicular traffic around it & the Chairman will be gratified to hear that there was minimal congregating at junctions on this occasion by myself & also with regard to present regulations I personally could only be construed as half a gathering by the police.  One was aware that social distancing should be observed at all times but this caused much consternation whilst passing pedestrians down our small country lanes as staying 2 meters apart from them was resulting in painful abrasions & lacerations from dry stone walls & hawthorn hedges on my arms & legs & inevitably I couldn’t get to hospital to get the bloody wounds dressed either!  Then as I rode along down one main road I happened to arrive alongside 2 pedestrians on the pavement at the same time as a runner turned up & just as a car was passing, well, what bloody chaos, the runner passed the pedestrian by 2 meters in the gutter, I passed him by 2 meters on the central white line & the car passed me on the opposite pavement sending another pedestrian flying down somebody’s drive in the ensuing melee. As I rode further along with the tune of ‘My Corona’ by the Knack from my youth circulating about my brain I decided it was time I made use of my musette, these as followers of cycle racing will be aware are given to riders by soigneurs containing food to fuel them.  However, these are strange times & I brought mine in order to fill it at a supermarket & take it back home as one is only allowed to go shopping once a week & I have to admit that I was further reminded of my distant youth when the shop assistant insisted that due to rationing I was only allowed 3 tins of spam. So I returned home from the isolated C ride fearing for my sanity, not for life but at least for the immediate future, I lamented the decision of previous governments to close asylums as if I have to ride around on isolated rides for much longer I think I might need one for when this is all over.  But on considering what the future might hold a number of large hotels will probably close & maybe some will open as asylums for cases like me, so I resolved to book myself into a padded cell as soon they are introduced, and before the rest of the public get wind of it & panic buy all the rest!     

Kenny Roberts